Buidling Confidence

I have always been very self critical. It's difficult because it results in sabotage of my writing and my sense of self. I've worried what others think of me, which is really a ludicrous point of view. All that matters is what kind of person I am, the confidence I have in myself to create, and how I treat others.

I remember feeling so lost when I was 15 and 16 because I felt no one encouraged my writing or my art. I used to paint and draw and write and teachers would basically just look at my stuff and not say anything. They would encourage others but my work was somehow not good enough, not interesting enough, etc. What I should have done was ignore that and simply go on creating but I let it affect me, first by not continuing in art and second by doubting--continually, even to this day-- my own ability to write. I even make a living at writing now and I still doubt my abilities. It's pathetic.

A person cannot depend on others to decide their worth or their abilities. It is up to each of us to believe and to practice and to do, to create, to be who we are with all our strength and dedication and all the joy we can muster. I truly believe that. It has taken me many years to learn that lesson, not just in my head but in my heart. I did feel like I was approaching it, I was writing a lot and feeling good. But my marriage was a long, 13-year slide into doubt and self criticism again. I let someone else tear me down; I allowed that. But never again.

It's such a first world problem; I think of all the people struggling for food and shelter who have no time to ponder their self-consciousness. And yet I believe that even those people have to believe in themselves in order to continue on in the world, in order to survive and hopefully one day to thrive.

I am writing now again. I am planning on writing for a living (see my wordyandwise.wordpress.com grant writing business site). My ex laughs at me because he's convinced I can't do that and survive. Well, perhaps the woman he was married to couldn't, but the woman I am now can do anything she wants--create, work, write for a living, maybe even paint again. Will it be easy? No. Nothing that is worthwhile is easy. But for me, sitting in a cubicle working for someone else is not easy either. It is depressing and spirit killing. With my own freelance work, I can also do something I love: establish a local food program to help inner city people get good, organic food at low cost. That's something I feel passionate about.

I am scared. How would it be possible not to be scared about not having a "regular" job after Dec. 31? But I will get by. There is severance pay, retention bonus, regular bonus, insurance through next March, unemployment, insurance through ACA afterwards, cheaper rent, refinancing my car to a lower rate. And I know how to make money. And I know how to write. And I will have a business and do what I love. And determination is part of having confidence.

And now I know how to be confident again.

April is the cruelest month...

Okay, yes, I'm really quoting T.S. Eliot here. But it really isn't. I love April (no, not just because of my birthday). Today in Phoenix it rained and it was cool and cloudy. It's the kind of weather we never get here. And I'm loving it. It actually feels like spring instead of summer, the way it usually does. Never mind that it's supposed to be 95 degrees later in the week. For now, I'm basking in a spring in the desert, a rarity.

April may be the cruelest month here though because from here on out, it will just get hotter and hotter until we're in the 110s every day for several months. I despise living here; I just want to go somewhere with a temperate climate again, where there are 4 seasons and real precipitation.

I'm simply babbling on here because I'm avoiding doing some real writing on my novella. It has been awhile since I touched it and I keep hearing the voices of the characters, which tells me it's time to go back. But I am still very scattered and don't get to it. I need to make the time and discipline. If I don't do that, how will I ever be able to run a business?

Well, enough blathering on. I will get some writing done tonight.

Happy Birthday!

I suppose with the advance of technology it seems a blog is just as good a place to write a birthday essay as my old journals were. The problem is that I cannot find (read: have not unpacked) my big journal and my little one is small, not conducive to writing an actual birthday essay, more like a birthday note.

I guess that would be fine. I finally don't feel whiny or like going on at length about stress and how miserable I feel. I know my job will end in December; I know I won't be employed; I do worry about money but I am confident that being a freelance grant writer and freelance author and editor will be able to get me by and allow me to spend more time with my children and my own writing. At my age now, 57 today, I deserve that, and I can work for that and achieve it. I finally have the strength and courage to face the fact that I cannot work in another office cubicle (or even a nice office, frankly), showing up 8-5 everyday and plodding through life sitting on my ass until I have a heart attack or stroke. I need to make my own hours, make my own work, and work on my art.

I also need some land, some chickens, a couple of goats, and a nice garden. I want to grow my own food, have fresh eggs, be around chickens (okay, call me insane, but I like chickens. When I lived with chickens in Santa Cruz, CA during grad school I frankly enjoyed them, silly creatures that they are). Sounds ridiculous for a city girl from Brooklyn but it's something I've always wanted.

So this birthday, even though I'm 57 and technically well past middle age as far as statistics go, I'm quite happy and looking ahead to still reaching my dreams. My young dreams may be behind me but there are dreams I still have and I don't have to give them up. I can reach them, and it's fun to strive as well. I'm finally starting to wake up in the mornings and feel good again.

I think this is the happiest birthday essay I've written in a long while. Let's see if I can carry it through the years.

End of vacation

End of vacation. It has been 11 days of pure bliss, at least in terms of not having to get up and go to work and be stressed. My yoga, meditation, walking and writing have all been helping to clear my mind and make things more optimistic for me. I see more clearly, instead of being clouded by the fog of laziness and then the guilt over being lazy. Making myself do these four things every day has been an enormous help to both mind and body.

I hope I will finally end up with a finished story, although right now that's only in progress. At least when I don't work on that, I write here or in my journal. Or both. Just this alone is making me feel better--about myself and about life. I never do feel complete in life unless I'm writing and no matter what, at least I am now.

I don't want to go back to work, truly. I wish I could write every day, walk every day, do yoga, take of my dogs and children, and grow a garden. I never did like working in offices and yet, that's where I always end up. Except for teaching. Of course, I love teaching but I can't survive on the salary (or lack thereof) and I can't take care of the kids that way.

Making homemade wonders

Tonight I made wonderful things--homemade coconut flour and homemade cashew butter. Who knew how easy it was?!!!

Target was out of coconut flour and I wanted to bake some paleo cookies but they did have unsweetened shredded coconut. I found out how easy it was to make flour: simply throw the coconut in a food processor or blender (I chose my food processor) and whirl it around until it's a powder. Voila! Coconut flour!

As for the cashew butter, it takes a little more work. Two cups of cashews also thrown into the food processor and processed until it was creamy and delicious. It takes awhile; about 15 minutes and you have to turn it on and off and scrape while it's in the kind of crumbly stage but if you keep going, taking little breaks so the processor motor doesn't burn up, you get this creamy cashew butter. Allergy free and really delicious.

Tomorrow I'll make paleo cookies with the Enjoy Life! semi-sweet chips I bought (also completely allergy free--no gluten, dairy, or soy).

Lazy writing evening

Well, I'm lazy tonight. Not physically but mentally. I took the dogs for their walk and I did 25 minutes of yoga but now that I've sat down to write, I don't want to be around my character very much. She's headed back to where she was born but that's not really where she wants to go. I think it's a story of endings but also of beginnings in a familiar place. Endings and beginnings run together; who can say which comes first or last? A Mobius strip or an infinity loop--endings generate beginnings generate endings.

So instead of following my character, I thought I'd muse a bit here. Beside writing, one of my fascinations has always been gardening and getting back to the land. And I've been reading a lot about that lately, about food and about farming and about gardening. I go to the farmers market now for all my vegetables and I'm eating locally and organically and seasonally. I have always been an "earth mother" type and this feels good to me, to eat and feed my family this way.

I also started eating meat and fish and chicken again, but only grass-fed beef, local chicken who are raised free and not kept in cages or stuffed together in horrible conditions in factory barns, and wild-caught fish. I actually feel far better and my body feels like I'm losing weight and eating what is good for me. No sugar or dairy or gluten or any grains whatsoever. I've also stayed away from nightshades like tomatoes, peppers, potatoes (except sweet potatoes and yams) and eggplant (I miss the eggplant!). I notice I'm not getting any of the indigestion I  used to have. I have taken up the "paleo" cause and frankly, it does feel like a very clean and natural way to eat. I do still have my qualms about eating animals; morally it doesn't feel right. I'm going to have to work my way through that one a little more.

Catching up

I haven't written here for a long time but now I'm thinking about using it as a place to work out ideas as well as post book reviews and recipes and random thoughts.

I have been using my journal for that and I have been writing for 30 minutes every night. I haven't produced anything other than a letter, one poem, and some meditations on colors (more on that later). Yet it's a good exercise for my mind and spirit. I haven't been sitting down and writing for so long that it felt like I actually rusty, as if my fingers and my mind would squeak as it tried to come to life again.

I do have projects I started. I should write some more short stories. I need to find a press to publish at least some of my stories so I can develop a track record. All I want to do is just write and not think about publishing. However I will do that.

I have some book reviews to catch up on as well. I am finishing Joel Salatin's "Folks, This Ain't Normal," about the changes of farming and food in this country. I don't agree with him politically at all (I have a great deal of issues with libertarians) but as far as farming, food, regulations that benefit big ag processors and ruin small local farmers I'm with him all the way. It's a common sense book and will have you nodding your head at many points in agreement.

I haven't started Michael Pollan's book "Cooked" yet but I have it checked out from the library.

Perhaps the most important thing I've done lately is to begin a 100-day Gong. This is a practice that is meant to change one's life by changing one's neural pathways through changing habits. It takes 100 days to make a new habit or pathway. Here's one place to read about it: Taoist Path

I have chosen to do 15 minutes of yoga a day, 15 minutes of meditation, 30 minutes of writing, and eat AIP (autoimmune protocol) Paleo and walk the dogs. So far it has been a good experience; I'm on day 7. I have, however, only been doing gentle calming yoga. Tomorrow I want to go back to doing Iyengar, flow, and Ashtanga yoga, all of which are more demanding. And today I woke up with my back hurting. I'm hoping I can even do the gentle yoga tonight. But I did take the dogs for a walk and made sure I was outside at the very moment of the winter solstice, 4:03 p.m. MST.

This is a place that I must return to, at least once or twice per week to write. I have many things to write and this blog needs to serve as an important place to write some of these. Book reviews, my gong, philosophy--all of that is appropriate fodder for this blog.

Saying that, I will sign off and go and try to do yoga with my stuff and painful back (hoping that it helps to loosen and soothe).