Aging

I've been thinking a lot lately about aging now that I've turned 60. I would like to think I have time left on this earth but to be honest, I don't feel that way. I feel my time is short, even if I have 20 or 30 years left (my parents and grandparents all lived into their 90s with the exception of my grandmother who had heart disease and even she lived to nearly 78). I don't want to put off things anymore; who knows how long I have to do something.

It's not a morbid thing to think about the time you have left. How could you help it at this age? You've entered your 6th decade of life on the planet and there are things you can't do anymore. You see a tightening of one's options, a shrinking of one's horizons. That is not to say that one should simply fold up and wait to die. But it is to recognize that there are fewer possibilities that stretch ahead of you, and more memories that spool out behind you.

I feel like there's a shrinking of my world as well. It has narrowed to my days at work and endless piddling at home (cleaning, cooking, straightening up). There's a shrinking of my family as my kids prepare to go out on their own. I always thought my world would widen as I aged but it is the exact opposite. It has become small and condensed.

I look to the universe to go forward as I age. How can I do it with grace and composure rather than fear and sadness? I don't have a choice about aging but I do have the choice of how I deal with it. And I am choosing to deal with it as gracefully as possible.

This is just a test.

This is just a test post. I haven't written a blog post in 2 years or more and it's time to wake up the blog again. I don't have much to say today, just a lazy Sunday afternoon in November, but I wanted to say hello to my old blog and hopefully start up chronicling things again.

I'm stable now, in a more or less balanced mood, although I've had some depression and panic attacks recently. I'm worried about money, as always, but my kids are more or less healthy and they remain the light of my life. We still have a roof over our heads and food on the table and a car that runs, so I can't complain too much. I have a job that I like tolerably well and up until recently I was writing again. Maybe if I visit this blog more often, I can start up my writing again.

Here's to new posts and new challenges and more happiness and ease in the future.