Saturday, May 23, 2009

Uh oh, emotional cliff ahead

Well, I've begun to have those debilitating cries (wild sobs of despair) and thoughts of self doubt (my husband can't respect who I am or what I do and thus, maybe, just maybe, I am not worth anything, Ph.D. isn't worth anything, teaching is not important, etc.). Don't believe it, don't believe it, don't believe it, I just keep telling myself. Instead of anger, though, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I don't know what I want. Maybe I should just tell him to f... off and not come home. He says that's what he would do if roles were reversed. That's a way of saying to me there is no respect there.

I am hurting so badly. I want to write fiction again, I want to work on the novel, fill the hole with writing but can't. Can't focus on my characters (they are all just shadows now, the two brothers, the father, the woman. Just empty caricatures of what they were when I first started to hear them in my head years ago). Even poetry seems too unfocused now, too blatantly emotional without substance or solidity. How can you write without discipline? How can you write without hearing the voices or the words themselves?

Need to go cry again. I need to cry for me. As much as I need to. I need to get angry and I will. But I need to cry. Can't just accept everything and take it and hold it in. That isn't good for anyone: the kids or me.

Wednesday, May 20, 2009

Trying to stay afloat in a sinking economy

It is not easy, of course, to try and keep one's spirits up when you've been a) out of work for 8 weeks, and b) starting to have to tap into your severance pay, and c) worried about the mortgage, how long your family will be able to stay in your house, etc. I know there are plenty of people in this situation but it does seem to me that our situation is unnecessary. We could have managed it better from not taking the Option Arm mortgage last year to saving more money and on and on.

Emotionally -- I'm fragile but surviving. I wonder if I could fall over the edge (I can see it just ahead, a big, steep cliff of depression and despair) but I try not to think about it and most of the time I am not near it or at least not heading in its general direction.

Teaching -- I really want to teach. I really want the job I have an interview for tomorrow (2nd interview). Will update when I know something.

Thank goodness for friends. I don't even have to call; I know they're there if I need them. So far, thank goodness also for the fact that I have learned to rely on and trust myself. Not isolated but comfortable with myself and knowing how to take care of me. It is a solid feeling.