Welcome to the post-divorce world

Here it is, the end of a marriage. It actually formally occurred on Feb. 3, 2011 but he just moved out a couple of weeks ago and it seems to have finally sunk in. I don't want to spend any more time thinking about it. It was not a "failure"; we have three gorgeous, intelligent, loving children and I find that I am not unhappy, unlike I was last year when he first told me he wanted a divorce.

Now I want to move on. Not just in the same old groove, but really move on. Join up and become more politically active like I used to be. Do more volunteer work. Do good things for others and be a real role model for my kids. Get back to writing regularly in the evenings, putting in a couple of hours every night on my poetry and fiction. Maybe even getting back to photography to capture something of my dad in my life.

Even though we are in the dead heat of an Arizona desert summer, I feel I am welcoming the burgeoning green growth of spring, the spring of the heart.

Progressive talk radio fan

Just for those who stumble upon this blog: listen to some intelligent talk radio like Thom Hartmann. He has written some fantastic books as well. You can find them on his website. His two latest books are free here and here. Worth reading and talking about. Introduce them to a conservative today.

Many moons have passed

Much time has gone by since I posted here. I have a new job, as an instructional designer writing corporate training courses in ethics. I love it, amazingly. It's interesting, the people I work with are great, I am engaged, and the pay is comparable to what I was earning before I was laid off.

I don't have a husband anymore though. We ended up selling our "dream house" in a short sale. We rented a house in Scottsdale and within a few days of signing a 12-month lease and moving in, Shawn said he wanted a divorce. After 10 years of marriage, nearly 13 years together, that was it. He wasn't happy. I have pretty much been miserable since that time although I can't say I wasn't miserable for some time before that.

Our divorce was final on Feb. 3 of this year. And I can handle it except I want my kids full time and all of a sudden he wants to split the time equally (one week with him, one week with me). I don't want that; I want them to live with me and visit with him on weekends.

I am depressed but I'm getting by. The job helps. Now, if I could start writing fiction and poetry again, perhaps write the scholarly book on paradox, sell some non-fiction pieces--that would also help a lot.

Real Estate blogging

One of the foremost industries (and thus problems) in Arizona is real estate. When the bubble was big, our economy was booming. Construction, resale, renovation, improvement, retail (for all those needs for the home) -- everything benefitted. But when the bubble burst, so did a lot of our economy. Nothing surprising there. But a good place to keep up with the reality of all of this is the ASU site for real estate statistics. There is an unemotional picture there of the real estate market and while I don't think this economy should ever depend on one industry (it's like farming one crop: if there's a die-off, then you're out of business and out of food), real estate is always going to be a big part of this state. Thus, this link is a good place to go: ASU's real estate statistics site.

No job, no income, lots of depression

Well, I got the bad news today that one of the schools where I was among the top 3 candidates did not hire me. What high school, given the chance to have a Ph.D. teaching for them, would turn that down? Especially knowing that I really wanted the job, was excited at the thought of teaching. I just feel crushed, I have to say. I know I have to move on and keep applying for jobs but it is very difficult.

I suppose I should just keep working on my freelance writing and editing and go back to writing fiction as well. Right now, frankly, I want to curl up in a ball and just not get out of a fetal position for several days. Add to that the fact that I just came back from 2 hours at a Chuck E. Cheese's restaurant where I took my five year old daughter to her friend's birthday party, as well as my other two kids (10 and 7) and had to listen to blaring hip hop music shown on screen with cartoon characters. Ugh. I have the headache from hell. Thankfully, several of my adult friends were there and everyone has the same headache. Makes it more bearable.

Uh oh, emotional cliff ahead

Well, I've begun to have those debilitating cries (wild sobs of despair) and thoughts of self doubt (my husband can't respect who I am or what I do and thus, maybe, just maybe, I am not worth anything, Ph.D. isn't worth anything, teaching is not important, etc.). Don't believe it, don't believe it, don't believe it, I just keep telling myself. Instead of anger, though, I'm upset. I'm hurt. I don't know what I want. Maybe I should just tell him to f... off and not come home. He says that's what he would do if roles were reversed. That's a way of saying to me there is no respect there.

I am hurting so badly. I want to write fiction again, I want to work on the novel, fill the hole with writing but can't. Can't focus on my characters (they are all just shadows now, the two brothers, the father, the woman. Just empty caricatures of what they were when I first started to hear them in my head years ago). Even poetry seems too unfocused now, too blatantly emotional without substance or solidity. How can you write without discipline? How can you write without hearing the voices or the words themselves?

Need to go cry again. I need to cry for me. As much as I need to. I need to get angry and I will. But I need to cry. Can't just accept everything and take it and hold it in. That isn't good for anyone: the kids or me.

Trying to stay afloat in a sinking economy

It is not easy, of course, to try and keep one's spirits up when you've been a) out of work for 8 weeks, and b) starting to have to tap into your severance pay, and c) worried about the mortgage, how long your family will be able to stay in your house, etc. I know there are plenty of people in this situation but it does seem to me that our situation is unnecessary. We could have managed it better from not taking the Option Arm mortgage last year to saving more money and on and on.

Emotionally -- I'm fragile but surviving. I wonder if I could fall over the edge (I can see it just ahead, a big, steep cliff of depression and despair) but I try not to think about it and most of the time I am not near it or at least not heading in its general direction.

Teaching -- I really want to teach. I really want the job I have an interview for tomorrow (2nd interview). Will update when I know something.

Thank goodness for friends. I don't even have to call; I know they're there if I need them. So far, thank goodness also for the fact that I have learned to rely on and trust myself. Not isolated but comfortable with myself and knowing how to take care of me. It is a solid feeling.