No job, no income, lots of depression

Well, I got the bad news today that one of the schools where I was among the top 3 candidates did not hire me. What high school, given the chance to have a Ph.D. teaching for them, would turn that down? Especially knowing that I really wanted the job, was excited at the thought of teaching. I just feel crushed, I have to say. I know I have to move on and keep applying for jobs but it is very difficult.

I suppose I should just keep working on my freelance writing and editing and go back to writing fiction as well. Right now, frankly, I want to curl up in a ball and just not get out of a fetal position for several days. Add to that the fact that I just came back from 2 hours at a Chuck E. Cheese's restaurant where I took my five year old daughter to her friend's birthday party, as well as my other two kids (10 and 7) and had to listen to blaring hip hop music shown on screen with cartoon characters. Ugh. I have the headache from hell. Thankfully, several of my adult friends were there and everyone has the same headache. Makes it more bearable.

Trying to stay afloat in a sinking economy

It is not easy, of course, to try and keep one's spirits up when you've been a) out of work for 8 weeks, and b) starting to have to tap into your severance pay, and c) worried about the mortgage, how long your family will be able to stay in your house, etc. I know there are plenty of people in this situation but it does seem to me that our situation is unnecessary. We could have managed it better from not taking the Option Arm mortgage last year to saving more money and on and on.

Emotionally -- I'm fragile but surviving. I wonder if I could fall over the edge (I can see it just ahead, a big, steep cliff of depression and despair) but I try not to think about it and most of the time I am not near it or at least not heading in its general direction.

Teaching -- I really want to teach. I really want the job I have an interview for tomorrow (2nd interview). Will update when I know something.

Thank goodness for friends. I don't even have to call; I know they're there if I need them. So far, thank goodness also for the fact that I have learned to rely on and trust myself. Not isolated but comfortable with myself and knowing how to take care of me. It is a solid feeling.

Take a look at this

This is Robert Reich's article, posted on his blog today (April 6, 2009) (http://robertreich.blogspot.com/) . It deals with hedge fund managers and the economy crisis and the bailout, etc. This is worth reading and sharing with everyone.

Another good source for information on the economy, learning about what is going on, and starting to actually do something about it (as ordinary citizens rather than those in power): William Greider's new book, Come Home America: The Rise and Fall (and Redeeming Promise) of our Country). He did a really good job talking about it both with Bill Moyers a couple of weeks ago (see http://www.pbs.org/moyers/journal/03272009/watch2.html) and he talked to Diane Rehm on NPR this morning, April 8 (find it here: http://wamu.org/programs/dr/).

Monday panic

Okay, now I am panicking because I can see out ahead without a job. And the more I read about our economy and the more I look at the bad mortgage we have and the real lack of caring about what happens to "ordinary" people in this economy, the more frightened and panicky I become.

How will we be able to live on a teacher's salary? If I can get a teaching job, that is. My husband has a good job and makes good money but a teacher's salary is not very good and will not really add a huge amount.

Positive aspects: everyone you talk to has a story and if you tell people, just people you know everyday, that you've lost your job, they have things to tell you if you can listen. It may not make a difference in the short term but there may be connections to be made or just lessons learned from the stories. And as a writer, just hearing the stories are important.

First Sunday with no job coming up on Monday

Tomorrow will be the first Monday morning in 9 years that I am without a job. Very odd indeed. I am obviously not alone in this economy and by far, I am not the worst off of people who have lost their jobs. I can teach part time, I can do freelance writing and editing, my husband is working and we still have our health insurance through him. We do need my income; I can't think of any middle- or working-class family that doesn't need two incomes these days (sad; I remember my parents were able to raise me on one income and my mom could do lots of volunteering at my school and working in politics, etc.). And I will have to figure out how to replace a fairly decent income in a not very decent economy. But there is also a kind of exhilaration: I can go back to teaching, I can start a new career, I can do more of what I want to do, there are new paths opening up to me.

Maybe it's crazy but when something like this happens, it does force you to be creative. And I am lucky enough that I don't have to take the first job that comes along or do something like flip burgers so I can avoid being homeless. That is a blessing that other people do not have in this economy. My desire would be that all people have this chance: if they are fired or laid off, they can have that second chance (or third or fourth) at doing something they love and not being scared that they will lose their homes or won't be able to feed themselves or their children.